Caffee’s Rules for Writing Speculative Fiction; A guide for the would be author of science fiction, horror, and fantasy

This first post is something I have been working on to help those who wish to not suck at writing. No amount of helpful advice is going to make you into a great writer, but not being laughably terrible is a good start.

1. I should not have to learn a fictional language to understand what the hell is going on in the novel / story / comic book / campaign setting.
2. Per above, no more than one made-up word in the title. No calling your book The Glarzax of Noku Land. It just doesn’t cut it.
3. I should not have to take an advanced history course at Geek University in order to know what the hell is going on in your made up little world. Who cares what happened 1,000 years before the story begins? Does it have a direct bearing on what the characters are doing right now? How could it? How often do you really think about what happened in the year 1015? You think the Spanish caliphate has anything to do with your daily life?
4. Per above, you should be able to sum up the plot in a few sentences; it shouldn’t sound like you’re reciting the last three years of your Elder Scrolls exploits. A friend once wanted to tell me about his idea for a graphic novel. I challenged him to explain it in twenty-five words or less. He said, "A failed messiah gets locked up in a mental hospital." Fifteen words to spare, that's how you do it.
5. Pay more attention to the fiction than the speculation. The fantastic, romantic, or just plain weird element of the story is a backdrop. It influences the setting, theme, etc. but in the end a good novel is about characterization and plot in that order.
6. Do not Capitalize every Word that you think is Important to the Story. Making a common noun into a proper noun this way can be a powerful tool if used sparingly. Once or twice would be ideal. 
7. No vampires.
8. If you want to write about vampires, see rule 7.
9. Do we understand each other now? The correct number of vampires in a work is zero. As in nada, none, not one, not ever. If you can’t think of anything more original or interesting to write about than vampires, stop and seriously think about what you are doing. That hand has been played to death. It's not just vampires. Tons of stuff in speculative fiction has BEEN DONE ENOUGH. 
   
10. Don’t be a groupie. Avoid fan fiction like your credibility depends on it (because it does). Only write stuff that is derived off of other people’s works (movies, TV shows) if someone offers you money to do it. Yes, this makes you into a mercenary, but if the money they offer you is really good, then get on it!
11. There are a few things you need to do before you write a book. Try reading a few first. Not just your favorite genre or author. Read everything.
12. If asked to describe your protagonist and your answer is some variation of, “He’s a bad ass dude who kicks people’s asses” then maybe literature isn’t really your style.
13. Never turn it up to 11. There is no need to go to extremes. Subtlety is just as powerful and far more interesting. Not everything has to devolve into a DBZ -tyle arms race where being able to destroy a planet just isn't powerful enough. A battle where a hundred people die is just as dramatic as ten million-billion.
    
14. Break all rules. Don't let someone else tell you how to write.
15. I am not kidding about the fucking vampires.